Depression hurts.

Most of you see my smile, hear my laugh and watch me go from place to place without really knowing the battle I face.  Diabetes is always a challenge and I face that with two fists in the air and an army of support behind me.  Depression is my silent battle.  For the past decade I have done really well combating mental illness with an all natural approach as medication isn't feasible with me being a full time Artificial Pancreas.  I am very self aware and as soon as the signs and symptoms appear, I go to my Counselor and take better care of myself and although this process takes considerably longer to battle Depression, it's what has worked for me and my family.  My children have been the best weapon against my illness but two days ago I hit a brick wall.

Wednesday morning I was faced with an emergency site change and I was late taking the kids to school because of it.  Everything was so overwhelming and I couldn't understand why my body couldn't keep up with my mind.  I dropped the kids off and slowly made my way home, confused and crying.  I walked into the kitchen to start the process of making my cappuccino and I couldn't find my mug. I needed to fill the kettle with water too.  Where was my mug?  I collapsed to the floor.  It was so cool to the touch as my tears fell onto the cold tile.  My hands trembled.  I couldn't move for a long time.  My mind knew I had to get up but my body said no way!  This was the most crippling form of Depression I have ever suffered before in my entire life with the illness.  My phone was ringing and I realized it was 1st Nutrition break so it must be the Nurse for Griffon.  I answered and I forced myself back into auto-pilot pancreatic mode.  He was having a high but remember the emergency site change so 14.7 really wasn't that bad considering.  The Nurse could tell something was wrong and asked if she could help, I smiled and said I was great and that it was just a crazy morning.  After I hung up I rewound back to the Wednesday just one week earlier.  I walked into the school covered in hives from my scalp to my toes to drop my kids off.  The Secretary gasped at me and asked if she could call 911.  I smiled and said "No, I'm ok, I will go to the hospital now."  Driving to the E.R. I could feel pain in my low back, my body was on fire and I was sneezing a lot.  I parked the car and walked myself inside ignoring all of the stares I got from every person that walked by.  It's just hives for crying out loud.

This picture was taken the night before I went to the hospital, so picture that x100 all over my face/body.  In the E.R., the Nurse was really nice and asked me a bunch of questions about foods and meds I had ingested.  She left and I felt bumps inside my cheeks.  I didn't want to move but I sneezed and it felt like someone stabbed a knife down my throat.  I pressed the button because I wanted some water or Halls out of my purse to help me with the pain.  There was a hive right below my left eye that was driving me nuts and I seemed to concentrate on that more than the stabbing pains in my throat.  The curtain was closed and I could hear people walking by but I will just wait for my Nurse.  It was taking a lot of concentration to breathe, in and out, ouch!  In and out.  I just don't want to move.  I'm tired and can't swallow so I will just wait.  The curtain opens and I see terror in her eyes, she leaves running only to come back with a giant hypodermic needle full of Epinephrine.  The sting from the needle was comparable to the pain in my throat.  I could taste tin and chalk now but at least my cough was gone.  Needle #2.  Now an I.V.  The Doctor came in and told me about Anaphylaxis and that they want to monitor me for a few hours to make sure I am ok.  I smiled and said "I'm ok, the bumps are almost gone from my knees so I am fine."  I was in and out of consciousness not really grasping what just happened to me.  I honestly didn't really take it seriously until my face hit the tile on the floor.  I'm not ok.  The Doctor said that although the Prednisone and Epinephrine saved my life, I have a side effect of Severe Depression.  It seems I didn't ingest anything to cause Anaphylaxis, they are investigating an Antibody Disorder.  They are still having me see an Allergist to rule out anything and I am getting help with my Depression.  I'm slowly on the mend and I am asking everyone to just bear with me while I get through tests and the lovely cocktail of meds I'm on.  It's important that I spread awareness for Diabetes, but it's equally important that I shed some light on an illness most don't take seriously at all.  Depression hurts.

Calm before the Storm

So many times I have heard friends or family ask "Why do you worry so much?"  The funny part is, you will never hear another Mom of a Juvenile Diabetic say that... ever.  Diabetes has been giving me a break the last few weeks.  Site changes have gone smoothly, I've seen a few 5.7's that make me feel like I'm winning the fight and besides a few scrapes and bruises from hockey and the usual seasonal allergies, Griffon's been healthy as a horse!  This is the part where we brace ourselves.  It's like we're climbing that first big hill on a roller coaster ride, excitement builds because we see the sign at the top...

We stretch our arms out, reaching for the sign, then you get the phone call while you're photoshopping this picture of a roller coaster because Griffon's blood sugars went from 11.7 to 5.0 in just 15 minutes.  He's feeling sick to his stomach, headaches from hell and all he wants to do is lay down.  My stomach is all in knots as I know him all too well, he doesn't get headaches, what is causing this sudden drop in sugars lately?  Like a Rockstar though, Griffon bounces back and is ready to play hockey again!  Recess time and it's Game on!!!  I watch him from the sidelines as the Caretaker from the school hangs with me and asks me a bunch of questions about Juvenile Diabetes.  I happily answer him all the while not taking my eyes off Griffon watching for signs of illness.  The ball reaches his stick and with one flick of the wrist: GOAL!!!!  Arms in the air.... reaching for that sign again and awaiting the big hill. 

Life with Diabetes sure is one hell of a ride!!!

Waiting, hoping, wondering.

I laid in bed, waiting, hoping, wondering.  How long before I have to test again? Oh right, not for another hour.  I really need sleep, sorry... diabetes isn't going to let you tonight.  My day started with cappuccino and friends collaborating on what we can do with our kids on their 15th day off of school (not that we are counting the days until they go back, only 3 more to go!!!)  Bowling seemed like a great activity as tobogganing was out of the question since we already did that with 9 kids just 3 days prior and I am still wondering how we all survived without a trip to the hospital.  So bowling it is.  6 kids, 5 adults.  Not a bad ratio as I am normally outnumbered 7 children to 1 adult.  Had breakfast, gave insulin, had lunch, gave insulin, went bowling, had snack, gave insulin.  Now comes the complicated part.  It's site change day!  Every 3 days I have to change Griffon's insulin pump site (also known as: stabbing my son with a large ass needle).  The last two site changes have been really rough on me as the first one I had missed the spot that was numbed with Maxilene cream and it hurt him going in so he screamed a little then cried for a few seconds.  The last one just was a fluke.  I don't know what happened but wow did he ever scream and cry!  After all was done and I was on my own in the kitchen, I had myself a good cry too.  It's so hard keeping it in and trying to be strong for him when all I feel is hurt that he has to go through this and there's not a damned thing I can do about it but continue to be strong for him.  As I awaited the outcome of today's site change, I did all that I could to make this one smooth, pain free, on target and distract Griffon by cracking a joke just before the needle.  If you know my son, you know it doesn't take much to get his attention, especially when the joke is about hockey.  Just a little wince and back to asking me to tell him another joke.  So here I am, feeling like the smoothest cat on the block.  I just did a site change and not one tear was shed from either of us. I don't know about you, but that calls for a beer!  Gather two friends, head to our favorite watering hole and cheers to a night out without having to think about Juvenile Diabetes for a couple of hours.  I get the message halfway through our lovely evening, Griffon's 15.2.  Ok, no worries.  He just had dinner a couple of hours ago and his cold is still affecting his sugar levels a little bit, all should be fine.  I give the go ahead to his Dad to continue his snack as normal and I will see what his sugars are later.  I get a message that he's barely had any carbs and that he's just over 20.  Something's not right.  Time to finish my beer, get the check and head home.  Site change.  Bed time.  Not for me though.  First test since site change: HI.  I wish I could just wave at the glucometer and say HI back but what I really want to do is flip it the bird until it reads 8.0.  HI is just a nice way of telling you that your child is in trouble, that his blood sugar is over 33.3 but the glucometer can't tell you how high he really is because it can't read past that level.  Luckily with the pump, I can put that number in and it issues insulin and I even went that one step further and gave him extra insulin to bring him down quickly.  Griffon was feeling the effects of being high so the quicker I got him down, the better.  Only downfall to that is he can keep dropping to a level that gets dangerous.  Hence the waiting, hoping, wondering.  It's 3:01am and here I am waiting to test again, hoping he's come down to a safe level and wondering, will tonight be the night I lose my son?  Not on my watch.  I will lose a night of sleep, but I will gain my son talking my ear off about hockey as he wraps his arms around me just because he can tell I need a bigger hug today.